


Overwhelming

by galaxystiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Comfort, Fallen Castiel, Fluff, Friendship, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-03
Updated: 2013-08-13
Packaged: 2017-12-13 21:48:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/829245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxystiel/pseuds/galaxystiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after 8x23. After falling, Castiel finds himself making excuses to touch Dean, but he doesn't know why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Contact

It was overwhelming, to be human. Castiel had received a brief taste of humanity when he’d woken up in the hospital near Delacroix, and it hadn't been pleasant. There was just so much to remember, so much to do, so many different experiences. He knew the basics, and knew of many human experiences, but until now, he hadn't experienced them for himself.

He knew how it felt to be tired, to be hungry, to be thirsty. Knew the difference between feeling healthy and feeling pain. Human emotions were foreign, but not entirely unknown to Castiel. But even back then, he’d still retained a spark, a wisp of his Grace. Now, he was entirely human. What had once been Jimmy’s vessel had become his body, and Jimmy Novak had gone on. It was preferable to being stuck in a body he hadn't had time to become acquainted with, but it was still overwhelming.

Sam and Dean had been devastated at Castiel’s humanity. The look of horror in their eyes had almost killed Castiel, and for a short time, he’d wondered when they were going to ask him to leave, because he was no longer useful to them. Castiel decided that he was going to avoid the awkward conversation and leave of his own accord, with his pride mostly intact. However, Sam had led him firmly to the Impala, and Dean had driven them back to the bunker.

“Dean.” Castiel spoke quietly, but the hunter heard him nonetheless.

“What’s up, Cas?” Dean replied. Sam was about to get out of the car to give them space to talk when Castiel spoke up again.

“I just wanted to say thank you. You and Sam have been very good to me, and I wish there was some way I could repay you for everything. I just wanted to assure you that I will never forget you both.”

Sam froze, his eyes flickering to his brother, just as Dean’s head snapped round to stare at Castiel. “You going somewhere, Cas?”

“I have decided to leave.” Castiel admitted.

Dean looked like he’d been kicked. He rubbed the back of his neck. “You’re leaving us again? After everything?”

Sam glared at Dean. “Cas, man, if that’s what you want, you know Dean and I will support you. You just need to know that you always have a home with us here, if you ever want to come back.”

Castiel’s eyes widened with hope. “Is that true, Dean?”

“Of course it is.” Dean said gruffly. His eyes widened with realisation. “Were you going to leave because you thought we wanted you to go?”

Castiel looked down at his lap, silently. That was exactly what he’d planned to do, but it sounded awful to admit it aloud, so he didn’t speak.

“Cas, every time I've told you that we need you, that _I_ need you, that you’re my best friend, you know it’s because I care about you and not because we need your angel mojo, right?” Dean asked quietly.

“I … do now.” Castiel replied, filled with an unusual emotion he couldn’t immediately pinpoint. It spread through his body, making him feel lighter than air, and his heart swelled. With a jolt, Castiel realised this was _joy_.

Dean got out of the Impala in a swift movement, wrenching open Castiel’s door and tugging him out by the trenchcoat sleeve. Castiel allowed himself to be pulled into a hug, returning the gesture, wrapping his arms around Dean tightly, inhaling deeply. Touching was different, now his vessel was in fact his body; he noticed more than he previously had when someone had touched him.

The first thing he noticed was the warmth. It was very pleasant. The second thing Castiel noticed was the feel of Dean’s skin against his cheek. Soft. He liked it. The third thing he noticed was when he pulled away. For the first time since he’d left with the angel tablet, Castiel saw something in Dean’s face that made him unbelievably happy. Love. He’d seen it before, when he looked at Sam, when he’d looked at Bobby, Ellen, Jo… Cas felt genuinely touched that Dean now looked at him like that too. Or maybe he had the whole time and Castiel had just never noticed.

The final thing he noticed was when Sam offered him a hug too, was that it didn’t feel the same as it did with Dean. It was nice; in the same way Castiel might have hugged Gabriel or Balthazar once upon a time. He liked it. He liked Sam. But he much preferred Dean’s hugs. Castiel hadn't been lying when he’d said that he and Dean had a profound bond.

When Sam released Castiel from the hug, the former angel felt empty, as the thrill of the contact faded away. He didn’t like it.

“So does this mean you’re staying?” Dean asked, a barely concealed hint of hope in his voice.

“There is nowhere else I would rather be.” Castiel said honestly. Heaven wasn't a home for him any longer; home was where the Winchesters were. Where Dean was.

Dean clapped him on the back, awkwardly. “We’ll get you a room set up.”

“Near you?” Castiel asked quickly, his breath caught in his throat.

Dean’s expression softened. “Yeah, if you like. Come on, let’s get you inside. I don’t know about you, but I’m starving.”

Though Dean and Sam made him feel very welcome, Castiel found it difficult to function on his own. He kept finding reasons to be as close to Dean as possible, touching him whenever it was possible.

When Dean curled up on the sofa to watch Dr Sexy, Castiel sat next to him, pressed into Dean’s side. At first, Dean had tried to tell Castiel to move, to respect his personal space, but one look at the angel’s panicked expression had him swallowing his words.

It was the same at night. The first night was the worst, and Castiel hoped he never had to relive the experience. When Dean left him in his room to sleep, Castiel had a full-blown panic attack. He sat on the floor, his back against the bed, and began to sob silently, his hands wrapped around himself. If Sam hadn't walked past on his way to the bathroom, Castiel didn’t know what he would have done. He already felt like a huge burden on the Winchester; he would never have sought them out for comfort.

“Cas, what… _Dean_!” Sam bellowed. Dean appeared instantly, clad in just a pair of jeans, clutching Ruby’s knife. He dropped it instantly, diving towards Castiel, concern visible in every pore on his face.

“Hey, hey, Cas, it’s okay. It’s okay.” Dean soothed, wrapping his arms around his best friend in an attempt to stem the tears pouring down the ex-angel’s cheeks. “I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you don’t want to be on your own right now, huh?”

Castiel shook his head, trembling from head to toe. Dean assured him that he would take care of him.

“Get some sleep, Sammy, I got this.” He directed at his brother, who nodded and left, but not before making Dean promise to wake him if there was something he could do.

Dean wrapped his arm around Castiel, helping him up. He pushed the trenchcoat from his shoulders and slid it from his arms, folding it up gently and hanging it over the back of the chair. He gestured to the t-shirt and sweats he’d left for Castiel earlier.

“You, uh, think you can manage to put those on by yourself? I won’t leave.” He added hurriedly, as Castiel’s eyes widened. “I’ll just turn around, but I’ll be right here. I won’t leave.” He promised.

Castiel nodded, slowly, ashamed, and Dean turned around until his friend gave him the all clear. The sweats felt unusual against his skin; he was too used to Jimmy’s suit. From the way Dean was staring at him, Castiel guessed it looked unusual too. He perched on the end of his bed awkwardly.

“I’m sorry, Dean.” He said quietly. “I just can’t face being alone right now. For … angels.” He swallowed. “Even when we are alone, we can still communicate.”

“Radio silence.” Dean nodded, understanding how difficult it must be for Castiel. “Well, uh, I guess you can sleep with me for tonight. Come on.”

They returned to Dean’s room and Dean slid down his jeans, stepping into his own sweats and threw on a t-shirt. It was a sign that he knew how much of a mess Castiel was that he didn’t ask him to turn around.

“Go on, Cas, try out the bed. It’s memory foam.” He winked.

Castiel sat on it stiffly. Dean looked at him disapprovingly until he slid under the covers, lying stiffly on his side of the bed. Dean got into bed and Castiel immediately shifted so that he was closer to Dean. The hunter rolled his eyes, but it was affectionate and he didn’t push Castiel away, which was a good sign.

“’Night, Cas.”

“Good night, Dean.”

Only a few hours later, Castiel awoke with a cry, sobbing desperately and reaching out for Dean, who had turned over, breaking the contact between them. The hunter turned back immediately, taking Castiel’s hand, soothing the former angel. Castiel lay awake for a while, wondering exactly why Dean’s touch comforted him when nothing else would, but he eventually managed to drift off, still clutching Dean’s hand.

Even when things started to get better, Castiel still sought physical contact from Dean wherever possible. He no longer panicked when Dean wasn't around, but still sat on the sofa next to him, and they still shared a bed at night. They both grew used to having each other around constantly, and Dean began to get used the physical contact without questioning it or feeling uncomfortable. Castiel began to wonder what the changes meant; when Dean’s hand began lingering in his when they curled up on the sofa, and when he wrapped his arm around Castiel when they went to sleep at night.

He wasn't entirely innocent himself, brushing his hand along Dean’s back when he walked past the hunter, or choosing to place his hand on his shoulder when showing him what he’d discovered while researching.

Castiel didn’t know what his need to touch Dean was, or why Dean’s aversion to physical contact had changed, but he knew that he liked it. Some human aspects were still overwhelming to him, but this was not one of them. To Castiel, Dean’s touch felt like home.


	2. Dependence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't actually going to add any more to this, but then this came to me. I might add a few more chapters, just in order to take away the pain of the hiatus, but I'm not sure yet.

Castiel first noticed the change four months after that first night in the bunker.

Sam had gently poked fun at the fact that Dean and Castiel were sharing a bed as soon as he thought the former angel would be able to handle it. Every time Sam made a joke, Castiel glanced at Dean, fearful that the hunter would tell him to start using his own bed. But Dean always surprised him, and never let him down. Instead, he would glare at Sam, tell him that he was being a good friend and looking out for Cas for a change, and then smile softly at Castiel.

The change came four months after Castiel had started sleeping in Dean's bed at night. His eyes fluttered open as something disturbed his sleep. He could still feel Dean's hand in his, so he didn't immediately panic. Then he heard Sam's voice.

"Dean. I mean it."

"It's not up for discussion, Sammy. And keep your voice down. I don't want you waking Cas up." Dean's tone left no room for argument, but clearly Sam felt strong about whatever they were talking about.

"Dean, he's got to start sleeping on his own eventually; I get it, I'm worried about him too, but don't you think he's becoming too dependent on you?"

Castiel's eyes widened as he realised they were talking about him. He closed his eyes shut and forced his body to relax, feigning sleep.

"No." Dean said stubbornly, in hushed tones. "Sam, man, I get where you're coming from, but how many times has Cas saved my ass? Saved your ass? This is the one time I can do something for him."

Sam sighed. "I know, Dean. But you're not looking at it from a long-term perspective. What happens if you want to bring a girl back? How are you going to explain that you have a grown man with separation anxiety sharing your bed?"

"That's not going to happen."

"Dude, I know you. Sooner or later, you're going to want some space, and Cas isn't going to be able to give it to you."

Dean was silent for a moment, and Castiel felt his heart race. Was this going to be the point where Dean started to pull away from him?

Instead, he was amazed when a soft hand stroked his hair gently. It was unlike anything Castiel had ever felt, and he resisted the urge to purr. He was sure Dean wouldn't be doing this if the hunter knew Castiel was awake.

"I don't think I will." Dean said eventually. "Sam, he's happy. I'm happy. Is this such a bad thing?"

"No." Castiel could practically feel Sam's defeat. "If it's what you both want. I just want you both to be happy. And I think that this might seem like a good idea for now, but it's going to make you both unhappy in the end."

Castiel felt tears fill his eyes at Sam's words. Making Dean unhappy was never what he'd intended. He just felt so alone. He'd lost everything he'd ever known, was stuck with a body that wasn't his. The only constant in his life had been the Winchesters, and Dean's constant presence was the only thing that made him feel safe, and he was going to have to give it up. The tears fell from his eyes, rolling down his cheeks, as Castiel continued to feign sleep. Unfortunately, he hadn't counted on Dean brushing his hair out of his eyes and feeling the wetness on his cheeks.

"Cas? Dammit Sammy!" He yelled, furiously, turning Castiel over. "How much did you hear?"

Castiel looked up at him through tear-filled eyes. "I woke up around about the part where Sam said I was becoming too dependent on you. Dean, I'm sorry. I do not wish to make you unhappy." He scrambled out of bed. "Perhaps I should sleep in my own room tonight."

Dean jumped off the bed in a swift movement, kicking his door shut so that it slammed in Sam's face as he walked towards Castiel. He grabbed the former angel by the shoulders and shook him.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to." Dean told him firmly. "Sammy's just being a bitch. Cas, if you were making me unhappy, I'd say something."

Castiel looked at him. "Would you?"

Dean sighed. "I guess not. But I wouldn't lie to you. Man, I…" He trailed off, rubbing the back his neck awkwardly, but he made no effort to move out of Castiel's personal space. "I kinda like having you there. You keep the nightmares away."

"Nightmares." Castiel repeated, not sure he understood.

"Yeah, man, I mean, Hell is a pretty big deal. You saw what I was like when you found me. Things like that don't just go away. I have nightmares every night, but since you started sleeping next to me, I haven't had one." Dean grabbed Castiel by the elbows. "Cas, I know that this must be terrifying for you, and if you want to start sleeping on your own, we'll have to build to it, but I'll help you. But I got to say, man, I think I need this just as much as you do."

Castiel nodded, slowly. "I do not like that I have become so dependent on you, Dean." He admitted. "But it makes me happy, and it is the only thing that does. But Sam is right. Things cannot continue this way. I cannot function when you leave the room. I need to learn to function without you there."

Dean nodded, concealing his disappointment. "That's fine, Cas. Whatever you want."

"That said," Castiel continued awkwardly. "I find I am… rather attached to this bed, and its occupant." He smiled. "If it's not too much trouble, perhaps I could continue sleeping in here at night?"

The hunter smiled, and pulled Castiel into a hug. It was then that Castiel noticed the difference. They had hugged before, more than once, but this time was a first. Dean buried his head in Castiel's neck, his hand wrapping around his waist, instead of their usual position around his back. Castiel's eyes widened as he returned the hug, wrapping his arms around Dean's neck. This wasn't normal, this was something else. Rather than letting go immediately, as Dean was wont to do, he held on tightly for a few seconds, his breath hot against Castiel's neck, sending shivers down his spine.

They stayed, locked in the embrace for a few minutes, until Sam knocked on the door. Castiel expected Dean to jump away as if he'd been burnt, but he withdrew from the hug slowly, offering his friend a reassuring smile before he turned to glare at the door.

"Yeah, what is it?"

Sam took Dean's curt reply as permission to open the door and did so. "I wanted to say I'm sorry. I was just worried about you both, you know? But I get it, and Dean, you're doing the right thing by Cas, and I'm proud of you for that."

"Don't worry about it." Dean muttered gruffly. "Just get out of my room, bitch."

"Jerk." Sam replied, grinning.

Castiel couldn't help but smile, watching the two brothers fall into their easy pattern of abusing each other. Unfortunately, they began bickering loudly.

"Assbutts." He called loudly, drawing both of their attention. They gaped as Castiel grinned, sheepishly. "I'm thirsty. Is there tea, or should I make some?"

Dean laughed, delightedly and clapped Castiel on the shoulder, fondly.

"There's coffee and toast." Sam replied, the corner of his mouth twitching. "If you want anything more exciting, you'll have to make it yourself."

Castiel pulled a disgusted face. "I don't care for coffee."

"It's alright, Cas, I'll make you some tea." Dean promised, chuckling. "Want some pancakes too?"

Castiel shook his head. "No thank you, Dean."

Dean gave him a disapproving look. "Alright. But you're eating lunch. I don't want to hear any of this 'I'm not hungry' crap."

He seemed appeased when Castiel nodded obediently. The hunter gestured for his friend to follow him to the kitchen, when Castiel stopped him.

"Dean. You and Sam could have had that conversation where I could not hear it. Why did you remain in my earshot?"

Dean's gaze softened. "Because I promised I wouldn't leave you. You were asleep. If you'd woken up and I was gone…" He trailed off. "I won't leave you, Cas." He promised. "Come on, my breakfast isn't going to make itself."

He reached for Castiel's hand, lacing their fingers together and led him firmly to the kitchen. Castiel glanced at their entwined hands, his eyes wide, but he didn't say anything in case Dean let go. This was … enjoyable, Castiel noted. He very much liked feeling Dean's rough skin against his own, softer hands. It was warm and sent pleasant tingles through his skin. Yes, Castiel very much enjoyed holding Dean's hand.

It didn't escape Sam's notice as they entered the kitchen, but the younger Winchester brother pointedly looked away, pouring Dean some coffee and nudging it towards him. He started making Castiel a cup of tea from the box they'd bought especially for him.

Dean began rummaging through the cupboards for pancake ingredients, a difficult feat since he refused to let go of Castiel's hand. Castiel tried to let go, to move away and sit down, to give Dean the space he needed to cook, but Dean simply tightened his grip, whistling merrily. Led Zeppelin, Castiel recognised the song. Ramble On. It was one of Dean's favourite songs, which meant he was in an exceptionally good mood.

Dean somehow managed to make the pancake batter without letting go of Castiel's hand, and he had just poured a generous amount into the frying pan when Sam put his foot down.

"Oh, hell no! Dean, let go of Cas' hand. You are not flipping pancakes one-handed, because I'm not spending my day cleaning pancake batter from the ceiling." Sam protested.

Castiel tried to pull away, sheepishly, but Dean pulled him back, glaring at Sam. "Then get the hell out of the kitchen, Sammy. Nobody asked you to clean anything." With a flick of his wrist, he flipped the first pancake and caught it deftly in the pan, casting a defiant look in Sam's direction.

Making a sound in the back of his throat, Sam walked out of the kitchen. Castiel shot Dean a reproachful look and let go of his hand, moving to the door.

"Sam?" Castiel called. "Sam, I can't…"

Sam reappeared instantly, knowing Castiel wouldn't leave the room without Dean. "Yeah, Cas?" He sighed, shooting a glare at Dean, who flipped the pancake again, ignoring both of them.

"I'm sorry. I did not mean to overhear you this morning. I understand that it was not meant for my ears."

Dean made a sound of disapproval, but didn't turn around, and didn't offer any comment.

Sam smiled, sadly, knowing what Castiel was really apologising for. "Don't worry about it. I shouldn't have got involved. You and Dean are good for each other. And I approve." He added. Dean turned around, clearing his throat and all but chased Sam out of the kitchen, but he was smiling.

Castiel frowned. "Dean, what does Sam approve of?"

The tips of Dean's ears turned red. "Nothing, Cas. Sammy's just being a bitch, is all."

"Jerk!" Sam's voice floated back into the kitchen. Dean ignored him, and tipped out the first pancake, adding more batter to the frying pan. Castiel examined it, curiously.

"It smells sweet." Castiel noted with delight.

Dean smiled. "Yeah. They're a little dry on their own, but with maple syrup, they're delicious."

Castiel nodded, and his stomach growled. Dean laughed and pushed him towards the table.

"Sit down, and drink your tea. There's plenty of batter so I'll make you a plate."

When he'd finished cooking the pancakes, Dean set a plate down in front of Castiel. Instead of taking a seat opposite him, he sat down next to Castiel, pressing their legs together and casually draping his arm over the back of Castiel's chair.

These small changes continued throughout the rest of the day. Dean pressed his legs against Castiel's when they were at the library researching for any way to restore the fallen angels. When they were watching television, he draped his arm around the former angel's shoulders. It was like he couldn't go more than a few minutes without needing some sort of contact. Castiel liked it, but he wasn't sure as to Dean's motivation. He didn't question it, in case Dean stopped. Sam, however, noticed. He pulled Dean to one side, close enough that Castiel could still see them, but far enough that he couldn't hear their conversation.

"Alright, Dean, what gives?"

At Dean's puzzled look, he continued. "Dude, you can't stop touching Cas for more than two minutes. Look at you, you're acting like a lovestruck teenager. You've had your arm around him, and you were just playing with his hair. Now, I know you, but poor Cas, man, he doesn't have a clue what the hell's going on! You hate being touched Dean, and yet suddenly you're glued to him."

Dean's face fell. "You mean, he doesn't want me to touch him? Am I making him uncomfortable."

Sam sighed, patiently. "No, Dean, I'm saying he likes it, but he doesn't know why you're doing it, and he's obviously scared to ask in case you stop."

"Why would I stop?" Dean asked, perplexed. "He likes it, I like it. It's comforting, man, and …" He trailed off. "I shouldn't be having this conversation with you before Cas."

"So you do intend to talk about it with Cas, then?" Sam raised an eyebrow. "Dean, listen to me. Before Cas fell, before he became human, if he'd held your hand, what would you have done?"

Dean bowed his head. "Alright, Sammy, I get it. Would you, uh, give us a minute?"

Sam nodded and disappeared from the room after saying a quick goodnight.

"What were you and Sam talking about?" Castiel asked, awkwardly. "Is he still upset with me?"

Dean sat down next to Castiel hurriedly. "He's not upset with you, Cas. He was never upset with you; Sam was just worried, is all."

"Okay." Castiel nodded. "I'm very tired. Can we go to bed, Dean?"

He got up and turned off the TV, expectantly. Dean nodded and they headed through to Dean's bedroom. They undressed and changed into their pajamas, before heading through to the bathroom. It was small, and cramped with both of them in there, but they'd had time to get used to it. Dean brushed his teeth, absent-mindedly, wondering exactly how he could broach the conversation with Castiel.

Back in the bedroom, they slid underneath the warm covers, facing each other silently, hands entwined.

"Cas, listen. I, uh, guess you're wondering why I've been touching you a lot today…" Dean began, awkwardly.

"No." Castiel interrupted. "I mean, I was, but it's okay. Your motivations are not of import Dean. You sought the contact, and I welcomed it. It doesn't have to mean anything."

Dean was speechless. He swallowed. "But it does. Mean something, I mean."

Castiel tilted his head slightly, an automatic reaction when he was confused. "Oh. What does it mean?"

Dean shifted slightly. Of course Castiel wouldn't understand. It was just his luck that Dean, who hated talking about his feelings, would have feelings for an angel, who needed to have everything explained to him.

"I don't know." He admitted. "This is new to me, Cas. Things are just different now, you know?"

Castiel turned on his back, staring at the ceiling. "I am human now, Dean. Everything is different."

"That's not what I meant, Cas." Dean replied, softly, his eyes shining. Castiel turned back.

"Then what did you mean?"

Unable to find the words, and not entirely certain that they would come out as gentle as he meant them, Dean shifted closer to Castiel. He raised himself up on one arm and leaned over, gently pressing his lips against the former angel's.

Castiel's eyes fluttered shut as he savoured the feel of Dean's lips against his. The kiss lasted only seconds, but Castiel could still feel it, his lips tingle, the warmth spreading through his body, setting every nerve ending alight.

"Oh." He breathed, his eyes fluttering open, everything becoming clear. He smiled at Dean, happily, his eyes shining.

Dean brushed a few strands of hair from Castiel's face. He gestured for Castiel to turn over, and moved over, pressing his torso against his back and wrapping a strong arm around Castiel's waist.

"This is nice." Castiel yawned. "Very warm."

"Go to sleep, Cas." Dean instructed. Obediently, Castiel closed his eyes and relaxed.

"Good night Dean."

Dean was silent for a moment, then Castiel felt the hunter's lips brush against the nape of his neck.

"Good night, Cas."


	3. Emotion

When Castiel awoke the next day, it was unlike anything he'd ever experienced. He was still wrapped in Dean's arms, his back flush against Dean's chest. It was so _warm_ , so safe, it was almost overwhelming. The scent of Dean was all over him and at some point during the night their legs had tangled together.

He shifted slightly, trying to catch a glimpse of the clock without disturbing Dean. Last night had been a big step between them, even something as innocent as a chaste kiss could mean so much. Castiel had no idea how Dean would react when he woke up. While it was true he'd gotten better at accepting his feelings, initiating contact between then and no longer flinching away from Castiel's touch, a kiss paved the way for so much more. The former angel wasn't sure if it was a step that Dean had been ready to take. If the hunter woke up and regretted it, he wasn't sure if he would be able to handle it.

With all his might, Castiel wished he still retained his Grace. That he could just fly out of this situation. Or even that he could leave, but he still couldn't let Dean out of his sight for more than a second without feeling the beginnings of a panic attack tighten his lungs. It was something that they needed to work on. Eventually, Dean and Sam would want to go back to hunting, and while Castiel would still accompany them, it wasn't possible to fight while keeping your eyes fixed on a Winchester. Castiel knew from experience that watching Dean was a distraction that could get him seriously hurt.

He couldn't tilt his head back enough to see the clock without pulling out of Dean's grasp, so Castiel relaxed, deciding to stay put until Dean woke up.

"It's nine o'clock." Dean spoke quietly from behind him, making him jump as Dean releasing his grip on Castiel. He unwound his arm from Castiel's waist, allowing the former angel to turn around.

"Good morning, Dean." He inclined his head, calmly. "How long have you been watching me?"

Dean smiled slightly. "Long enough to see you almost pull a muscle trying to look at the clock. Cas, if you need to move, just move. I won't be mad if you wake me up. Hell, this is longer than we've slept in ages."

Castiel inclined his head, slightly. "That's true. I found being in such close proximity warm and conducive to better sleeping."

"Is that so?" Dean teased, lightly, before smiling again. "Yeah, I liked it too, Cas."

The former angel smiled, his whole face lighting up. Dean wriggled closer, placing his hand on Castiel's waist, rubbing circles against the bare skin where his t-shirt had ridden up, exposing his hipbones.

"I'm not gonna run away screaming." Dean murmured quietly, knowing Castiel was listening. "I could feel you tense up, Cas. I know that I'm not exactly one for talking about feelings and stuff, but I'm through keeping my distance from you. We've all made mistakes, and I'm sure I've hurt you just as much as you've hurt me. My point is, this is who I am. This is all I have to offer you, and I'm sure all of this is gonna come back to bite me in the ass in the future, but I'd regret not taking the chance with you more."

Castiel silently processed Dean's words, nodding slowly so the hunter knew that he was listening. "I see." He said at last. "At least, I think I do. You don't regret kissing me then?"

"Dude, no." Dean said firmly, before looking a little sneaky. "In fact, I'd like to do it again, if that's okay?"

"Yes, I think that would be okay." Cas replied solemnly, before smiling.

Dean's face softened before he shifted forward, pausing to look Castiel directly in the eye. Castiel shifted in anticipation of the kiss, waiting impatiently for Dean to lower his head. Dean, however, seemed to be in no hurry, his eyes searching Castiel's face, his thumb brushing against Castiel's cheekbones.

"Dean." Castiel practically whined. "Are you going to kiss me or not?"

The hunter rolled his eyes at Castiel's impatience, but did as he was told, lowering his mouth to Castiel's, pressing them together. Their eyes fluttered shut as they kissed, the touch light, minimal, but sending sparks shooting through their bodies.

Castiel had never felt anything like it. The sleepy kiss Dean had given him last night was nothing compared to this. He'd kissed Meg before, and it had been quite nice, but this was on a whole other level. He wanted to ask Dean if it was always like this, but that would involve breaking the contact between them, which was unacceptable.

Then Dean deepened the kiss, and Castiel had forgotten everything he was thinking. His hands found Dean's shoulders and gripped them tightly as he kissed back, moving his lips firmly against the hunter's. He felt Dean's fingers buried in his hair and he parted his lips in a breathy moan, which increased when Dean used the opportunity to slip his tongue into Castiel's mouth, tentatively.

Castiel's fingers tightened in a hold that he knew would leave bruises, but he couldn't bring himself to let Dean go. He felt himself harden, almost painfully, and instinctively bucked his hips against Dean's. Dean groaned into the kiss and moved swiftly, rolling them over so he was on top of Castiel, effectively pinning him to the bed.

Castiel thrilled with excitement when he felt Dean's own hardness pressing into him and he bucked his hips again, desperate for friction. He stroked Dean's tongue with his own, almost shyly, uncertain of what to do, just following the instincts his body was providing him with. He shivered at the sensation it gave him and sought more, hungrily.

"Hey, Dean, Cas, you awake yet? _Woah_!" Sam, who'd just burst through the door, stepped back in shock, his hands raised in the air. Dean and Castiel broke apart immediately, flushing. Dean rolled off Castiel, getting to his feet, taking care to hide his obvious erection. Castiel just stayed on the bed, his lips swollen and eyes glazed, but he couldn't bring himself to move or make himself more socially acceptable. He genuinely didn't think he could stand; his legs felt weak and he wasn't sure they would support his weight.

"I guess I better start knocking, huh?" Sam managed to overcome his surprise and grinned at them both.

"You think?" Dean snapped, mostly out of embarrassment due to them being caught. He ran his hand through his hair in agitation. "What did you want?"

"Charlie called. She wants to stop by tomorrow and check something in our archives. I thought, you know, since she's never met Cas and all, she might want to spend the full day here." He shrugged.

Dean turned to Castiel, to see what the former angel thought of that plan. Castiel, pleased that they were asking his opinion, nodded eagerly. "I'd like to meet her, if she's your friend Dean."

The hunter cleared his throat. "Yeah, Charlie's almost like our sister, you know?"

Castiel smiled up at him, adoringly, and Sam took the opportunity to leave them to it, gently closing the door behind them, but neither Dean nor Castiel paid his exit any attention as the hunter laid his hand on Castiel's shoulder.

"Dean." Castiel murmured, softly. "Dean, this is all very confusing to me. I … _feel_ things. Where your touch previously instilled emotions I didn't understand, it is suddenly overwhelming, yet I crave it. "

Dean swallowed and sank back onto the bed, next to Castiel. "I know man. This isn't exactly something I'm used to, you know?" His expression softened. "It's never been like that for me. The whole sparks flying, fireworks thing? I always thought that was just a cliché. I…" He swallowed again, and turned away. "Hunting doesn't exactly lend itself well to relationships, Cas, especially when the other party is a fallen angel who'll eventually go back to Heaven and then I'll be alone again."

"You … will find someone else I am sure, Dean." Castiel replied, although the thought almost tore him in two. Whatever this was with Dean, fairly new, tentative, shy, it had been building for years, and the thought that bond they had, though unbreakable, would cease to have any meaning once Heaven was sealed off was unthinkable. His motives were selfish, and he knew it. Dean deserved to be happy when Castiel left.

Dean laughed, harshly and shook his head, turning back to Castiel. "You aren't listening, Cas. Hunting doesn't lend itself well to relationships and I'm kinda glad. I told you, it's never been like this for me. I've never let myself feel it. You're it for me, man."

"I do not understand." Castiel whispered.

Dean's face closed off. "You could go back to Heaven and forget me? Find another angel to care for instead?"

Castiel's face immediately changed to one of absolute horror and disbelief. "Of course not. You think you are so replaceable to me? That I could ever care for another the way I have always cared for you? Our bond is unbreakable, Dean."

"Then you do understand." Dean told him, softly. Castiel's eyes widened as he realised Dean's point. Uncertainly, he leaned over and kissed Dean, not entirely sure his kiss would be welcome after such an emotional discussion. Dean's eyes fluttered shut and his lips lingered against Castiel's for just a moment, before he pulled away.

"Come on, I'm hungry and it's time for breakfast. You want pancakes again?"

Castiel nodded, eagerly, and they headed towards the kitchen. On the way through the bunker, Castiel wondered if perhaps he was doing the right thing, embarking on a relationship with Dean. His needs were selfish, he craved Dean's touch, relied on it even, but when his Grace was returned to him, he would be able to emotionally distance himself from his feelings. Dean would not have that luxury, and this would only end up hurting him.

He opened his mouth to ask Dean if he'd perhaps thought this through, before realising he had and had already notified Castiel of that fact not fifteen minutes earlier.

" _I'm sure all of this is gonna come back to bite me in the ass in the future, but I'd regret not taking the chance with you more_."

It made his heart leap and sink all at once, but he could understand Dean's decision. They'd tried to deny and distance themselves from what had been growing between them ever since Castiel had gripped him tight and raised him from perdition, but it had all been to no avail. Time after time, they had been brought together, thrown together in a cruel twist of fate, and time after time, Dean had been his one constant. Castiel surmised that perhaps something was telling him that this was a small beacon of hope in dark times and that maybe they should be allowed to permit themselves his small semblance of happiness. Because that's what it was; regardless of the outcome, Dean made him happy. Loving Dean made him _happy_. A euphoric feeling flooded through him, making the blood rush to his head as he realised that that was what it was.

He stopped Dean with an urgent hand on his shoulder. Instantly, Dean snapped around, concerned, searching Castiel's expression for whatever had caused him to stop.

"I love you." Castiel told him certainly, almost fearful of Dean's reaction. He knew every part of Dean, had built his body back together himself, every atom carefully placed where it should be. He knew Dean inside and out, his fears, his hopes, and knew that Dean had never said those three words to anyone since the night Mary Winchester died. He knew Dean had come close to feeling it many times, but shied, or rather fled, from the words any time they were uttered. So he didn't expect a positive reaction, but the words needed to be spoken nonetheless, so the hunter understood.

Dean's eyes widened and his answering nod was shaky, but he made no attempt to flee. Instead, he took Castiel's hand and laced their fingers together, leading him towards the kitchen.

It wasn't much, but it was a big concession on the hunter's part, and it was more positive a reaction than Castiel had been expecting. He understood everything now; why Dean would choose to save Sam again and again, why he would sacrifice everything for those he loved, because love was the most powerful, consuming force he'd ever encountered. It was overwhelming.


	4. Reciprocation

Castiel and Charlie got on like a house on fire.

She didn’t hang around long, apparently whatever it was she needed to check in the archives was important, so she couldn’t afford to stay, but she did stick around long enough to make friends with Castiel, who she was overjoyed to finally meet.

Dean hovered around them nervously, both out of worry that they weren’t going to get on, and so Castiel could see he was nearby at all times. The former angel was getting better at being apart from Dean, he didn’t require constant physical contact any more, and he was able to sit in the same room as Dean without sitting next to him. He was progressing slowly but surely. He was able to sit in the kitchen and read the newspaper with his back to Dean, who was making breakfast without needing to turn around and check Dean was there, and Dean was able to start going to the bathroom alone.

It was a matter of trust; trust that Dean wouldn’t leave the room without him. Dean himself had grown to consciously seek out Castiel if he needed to move for whatever reason. It was something Charlie had picked up on almost immediately, that wherever Castiel was, Dean was only a few feet away. She mentioned it to Sam.

“Yeah, Cas has really had a hard time of falling, you know? He’s never been alone in his entire existence. I don’t think he can bear the silence. You ever noticed how much noise he makes, no matter what he’s doing? He switches on the TV if he’s reading, or he hums.” Sam explained softly. “I feel bad for him, but he’s getting a lot better. I think Dean’s helping him.”

Charlie nodded, smiling. “They’re good for each other. They’ll mend what’s broken in each other and come out stronger because of it. I just hope that’s enough when you find a way to restore Heaven and Castiel leaves.”

She took her leave, quickly saying goodbye to Castiel and Dean, who were curled up on the sofa together.

“What do you want for dinner, Cas?” Dean yawned, getting to his feet, holding out his hand to help Castiel up.

Castiel didn’t take it. “Whatever you want to make is fine. I want to watch the rest of this show. Can you manage alone?”

Dean blinked at him in surprise. “You… want to stay here? And you want me to go in the kitchen?”

Without looking away from the screen, Castiel nodded. Dean frowned, scratching his head, but did as he was told, making his way to the kitchen cautiously, where Sam was in the process of grabbing a beer.

“Where’s Cas?” He said immediately. “Is he okay?”

Dean frowned uneasily. “He’s watching TV. He told me to go and make dinner because he wanted to watch the rest of the show.”

Sam smiled in surprise. “That’s great! This is clearly a big step for him.” His smile faded. “So why do you look like someone let the tires down on the Impala?”

“I don’t.” Dean snapped, stomping past him to the fridge, grabbing a beer while looking for ideas for what to make for dinner. His shoulders slumped. “I’m happy for him, really.” He added, his miserable expression belying his words. “It just makes me think that he’s going to leave one day, and what if this is his way of starting to distance himself?”

Sam’s expression softened when he realised that this was really affecting Dean, and how much it must have cost him to admit that when he knew that this was the right thing to do.

“If that is why he’s doing this, you know you can’t stop him.” He told Dean, gently. “Because you’re not the only one who’ll be hurt when he has to leave.”

Dean nodded, opening his mouth and then closing it again. “He said he’s in love with me.” He told Sam in a small voice, a tone that Sam had never heard come from his brother before.

“He does.” Sam shrugged. “Come on, Dean, we've all known that for years. Surely it’s not news to you?”

Shaking his head, Dean looked away, deciding not to continue the conversation any further. He couldn’t say what he wanted to say, and not to Sam. Unfortunately, Sam knew his brother better than anyone, and could tell exactly what Dean was not saying.

“You love him.” Sam was amazed.

“I didn’t say that.” Dean snapped, his face panicked. “Listen, Sammy, you gotta understand that I’ve never said those words before. Not to Lisa, not to Cassie, not anyone. Admitting you love someone always makes it real, and real things can get snatched away. Now one day, Cas is going to walk out of this bunker, out of our lives, and he isn't coming back, you understand that? And that’s going to tear me apart. So if I can make that slightly easier by never saying it, then that’s what I’m going to do.”

In a sudden fit of temper he threw the beer across the room, watching with a grim satisfaction as it smashed against the wall. “This is beyond a fucking joke. All I want to do is go for a walk, alone, and sort my head out, and I can’t even do that because Cas is glued to my side.” He snapped, wheeling around to shout at his brother.

Sam wasn’t looking at him, instead, his eyes were fixed on something over Dean’s shoulder. Dean didn’t need to turn to know what he was looking at, but he did so anyway. Castiel was staring at him, an expression of ultimate hurt and betrayal on his face, tears in his eyes.

“Cas.” Dean took a step forward, but Castiel stumbled back away from him. “Cas, listen…”

“I heard enough, Dean. Enough to know that you've started to consider me a burden. This is why I wanted to leave as soon as I fell, but you assured me I would always have a home here with you.” Castiel replied quietly. “I ask only that you put up with me long enough that I can break my unconscious need to be in the same room as you, then I will leave.”

Both Sam and Castiel stared at Dean, each of them hoping Dean would take the right step, to apologise, to ask Castiel to stay, to assure the former angel that he wasn’t a burden.

Instead, Dean simply nodded. “Okay, Cas. We’ll help you any way we can. I mean, you’re leaving anyway, right? This is just sooner than I thought.”

“Cas, would you excuse us for a moment?” Sam snapped, tossing Castiel his iPod. It was how they discussed things privately without having to vacate the room. With a slight nod, Castiel slipped in the headphones, pressing play. The music was deafeningly loud, but it was the only way they’d been able to talk in confidence.

“You’re a coward, and I’m ashamed to be your brother.” Sam told him firmly. “You’re going to let him walk out of here, knowing that you love him, that he loves you, just because you’re too emotionally stunted to handle him leaving you in the future. I’ve put up with this from you for long enough, Dean. Make things right with Cas, or when he leaves, I’m going too.”

Dean bowed his head as Sam’s harsh words penetrated his stoic façade. He turned to Castiel instantly, tugging the headphones out of his ears. “Can we talk about this before you make any decisions? Will you let me explain?” He asked, softly.

Castiel gave him a jerky nod, and Sam left the kitchen, heading through to his room. Dean grabbed a chair, gesturing for Castiel to sit. He knelt down in front of the chair.

“I don’t want you to leave.” He told Castiel quietly. “You've never been a burden to me, not ever. The reason I wanted some space, is because I wanted space to think about me and you.” He gestured between them awkwardly, knowing that he was making a botch job of explaining himself. “I just need some time to accept that when we fix this, you’re going to leave me behind. I know that, and I understand it, I really do. But I’m trying to do whatever I can to make you leaving easier, and…” He trailed off, frustrated. “I’m not doing this right.”

Castiel reached out, placing his hand on Dean shoulder. “You’re doing fine. You’re being honest with me, and that’s all I can ask. Keep going.” He murmured.

“I know how you feel about me.” Dean whispered. “And if I let myself admit it, when you leave … I’m not sure I can come back from that, Cas.”

“Admitting you feel it won’t change the fact that you do, Dean.” Castiel whispered, his eyes widening as he realised what Dean meant. “It won’t make it hurt any less.”

Dean nodded. He knew that was true, but it had been his last shred of hope. “I love you.” He admitted, quietly, his eyes shining with sadness.

Castiel felt tears slide down his cheeks, as he crashed his lips to Dean’s, kissing him desperately, as if he was going to be ripped away at any moment. Dean scrambled to his feet without breaking the kiss, pulling Castiel as close as he could, licking his way into his mouth.

After a few moments, Castiel broke the kiss, his lips swollen and his eyes shining. He met Dean’s gaze with a small smile. “Take me to bed, Dean.” He whispered, his meaning abundantly clear.

Dean swallowed and nodded, taking Castiel’s hand and leading him through the bunker towards their bedroom. They were about to breach the final boundary between them and then they would belong only to each other, for the rest of their existence. For Dean, he would never love anyone the way he loved Castiel, would never say those words to another.

For Castiel, well, he had a difficult decision ahead of him.

**Author's Note:**

> [My Tumblr](http://diceandpokerchips.tumblr.com/)


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